How It's Going

I appreciate that people are concerned about me. Everyone wants to know how I'm doing. Everyone is asking if I've found a job yet. People want to know where I've applied, and what my plans are, and what I'm going to do next. People want to know how I'm going to buy groceries, and how my rent is going to get paid.

I know that people ask because they care. But, I don't have the energy to keep answering the same questions over and over. It's been six weeks now, and honestly, finding the energy to keep going forward with a positive attitude is taking all my strength.

I hate being pitied. I hate my situation. I hate how pathetic I feel. I hate being needy, and I hate needing charity. I feel embarrassed, and ashamed, and scared.

I don't have the desire to write, or blog, or socialize right now. I don't have anything interesting or light hearted to talk about. I don't want to be a bummer. My life is kind of a bummer right now, and I don't want to think about it, much less talk about it.

These are the most common questions I'm asked, along with their honest answers, so you won't have to wonder, or ask.

Do you have anyone who can help you financially? No, I do not.

How many jobs have you applied for? I lost count.

How are you going to pay your bills? By the grace of God.

How are you going to pay August rent? My church graciously paid it for me (thank you God!)

Do you have a savings account, do you have any money? Not anymore.

How are you buying groceries? I swallowed my pride and applied for food stamps. Food stamps won't buy toilet paper, or school supplies though.

What kind of work are you looking for? Anything at this point. Though I would still like to do something that I can enjoy and take pride in. Something that I won't hate doing everyday.

The cold hard truth is that I don't have an impressive resume, because I was downsized out of my last two jobs. I was only at my last job for four months. I didn't work during the six years I was married, and do not have a bachelors degree. In the four years that I've been a single Mom, I've had six jobs. I was fired from two of the first three due to attendance issues. Companies don't care that I have two little boys who require me when they are sick. Noah had RSV once, and double ear infections three times in the same year. Jackson has had ear infections, and the flu. I do not regret taking care of my babies when they need me, but when they need me within the first six months on a new job, H.R. people don't care.

I have landed good jobs, jobs that make me realize I'm smart and talented. But, I haven't been able to keep them, and it's wreaking havoc on my self confidence.

This is kind of off topic, but I envy people who have spouses who love them, and help them. I envy people who have parents who help them. I envy people who just know that they are loved unconditionally. People who have those things don't seem to recognize it, I guess it's because they don't know what it's like not to have it, and that makes me angry.

Even in spite of all this, my life is still good. I'm blessed. I'm happy, even though it's not the sublime and enchanting kind of happy right now. I know that everything is going to be okay. I don't know how, but I know it will be.

I hope you will take the time to be grateful for what you have. It could always be worse.

I know that you are going to leave wonderful and encouraging comments, and I'm already thankful for them. Embarrassed, but thankful.

If I suddenly go silent, it's because my Internet has been shut off. Don't worry though, I'll be back as soon as I can.

A Little Doodling Will Do Ya

While Noah napped, Jackson and I doodled.

This is our first non-crayon collaborative doodle...



... this is my name.



We are doodle gene carriers.

Pseudo SAHM

Aside from being unemployed, and not knowing how I'm going to pay my rent, this past week has been absolutely wonderful. I'm pretty sure that there is a blessing in all of this, and having time to spend with my sons is it.

The best thing about my life is that I am a Mommy. Jackson and Noah are the reason I'm alive, they are my purpose for being. The worst thing about being a single Mom is that I'm not able to give them more of me. When I'm working I don't have time to play as much, there's a schedule and a pace to keep. I'm usually tired in the evenings, and my boys who have been in school and daycare all day are usually cranky. It's hard to make things different when the only way to keep things afloat is just to keep going.

This week has been a total reversal of all that though. I have just been Mommy, and the difference in my home and in the attitudes of my boys is obvious.

It occurred to me that it's not just me that my boys don't get to spend time with, but they also don't spend much time with each other. They are four years apart, so they aren't even in the same summer programs at daycare. When we get home in the evenings, those few hours are all the time we get together. This realization has shaken me to my core. Is it possible that we are a little family of strangers?

I have to go back to work, and I'm praying it's soon, but I'm still going to be sad when it happens. Just this one week of us three being together has made a major difference. There's a contentment that we haven't had in a long time. There's a calm. A precious calm, and I don't want it to go away.

So, rather than focusing on the sadness of all this, I'm going to call it a blessing. I'm thanking God for giving us this time together.

These sweet faces are the better than any mountain, any job, or any man.






I'm not going to write anymore of these gut wrenching posts for a while. I think I'm giving off depressing vibes, and I don't mean to. Hopefully I'll start a new job next week while my boys are at their Dads house, and I will be too busy to miss them too much.

The Sound of Settling

I'm in the process of accepting the fact that I am staying in Oklahoma. This is a heartbreak that most people in my life don't appreciate or understand at all. I can't make them, and they don't have to. But, all the same, the sadness I am experiencing is unmatchable, and I just have to accept it.

I haven't been allowing myself to think about it actually. Sometimes when you feel something solo the fact that there's a void of validation is helpful. Helpful only in that no one is bringing it up, so you don't have to think about it unless you want to. And I for sure haven't wanted to.

I moved back to Oklahoma from Jackson Hole, Wyoming almost two years ago. I haven't been happy about it, not even once. Whether it be the Teton's or the Rockies, there is no place on earth that feeds my spirit the way living in the mountains does. I don't know why.

Everyone in my family thinks I have an escapism mentality. They think I want to run away from my life and my responsibilities, and that my desire to be in the mountains is just an excuse to do that. My friends don't really get it either. I don't try to explain it anymore, and for the most part I don't talk about it anywhere but here. Nonetheless though, the enormity of this compulsion never goes away. There isn't one day that passes that I don't think about it. In fact, just writing about it now is causing my eyes to well up. The desire is constant, and I can't make it go away.

Marisa called me on Sunday, she asked me if I had watched Into The Wild (watch the video). I hadn't heard of it, but she told me I needed to watch it ASAP. She told me that she had chills while she watched it, and that she thought of me the whole time. I ordered it OnDemand, and watched it as soon as we hung up.

I have never, ever, ever seen a movie that so paralleled my spirit before. This guy, Alexander Supertramp, had the same thing in him that I have in me. I'm not alone. He might have been escaping, but that wasn't his goal. He was living. He LIVED his life. Regardless of the fact that he died, he lived doing it.

It was validating to watch that movie, but also to see that my best friend finally understood me.

But here I am, in 'keep up with Jones'' land. Here I am, and I don't want any of it. I don't want the half million dollar homes that most of my friends are buying right now. I don't want a fancy corporate job again. I don't care if I drive a beater. I'm here though, and I have to suck it up. These are the best things that life here seems to offer, and they are just things.

Bigger, more, better, more expensive, those are what people are spending their whole lives trying to attain. I don't want that life. But, to make the most out of being here then I will have to. Otherwise I can just stay in this apartment, and feel the fact that no one relates to simplicity the rest of my life. My boys need the best I can give them here.

I want to work for the lodge, and live in a tiny two bedroom employee housing cabin. I want my boys to go to the school that only has 40 other kids, but teaches them to climb and ski. I want to make a meager income and live simply, perched on a mountainside. When I step outside each day the crisp mountain air will kiss my face... and that is enough.

I want to raise my sons there, and I was doing it, I was there... but I had to move back to Oklahoma. (I'm crying right now, can you tell?)

It looks like I'll be staying in Oklahoma for at least a few more years. I'm forcing down the bitter pill. I'm trying to find reasons to be happy about it. I'm trying to embrace all the good that is here. I'm about to apply for city and government jobs for the amazing benefits, and the near impossibility of ever being downsized.

I'm going to conform. I'm becoming an Okie again. I have to let it happen, I have to embrace it or be miserable. I've been miserable long enough. I'm going to find happiness here, somehow.

"For by and by the mist shall lift, and plain it all He'll make. Through all the way, though dark to me, He made not one mistake."

Happy Camper Comes Home

My son came home from church camp Friday. When he got off the bus he was smiling. Honestly, I've never seen him so happy and content. He had an amazing time, and he was full of stories. I was probably more excited to hear them than he was to tell them though.

Jackson was at the same camp I grew up going to. I had some of the best times of my life there. I was seven the first time, and went back every summer until I graduated from high school.

I couldn't wait to trade memories with him. So I took him for snow cones, and made him to spill the beans.

He said they didn't do Mud Mountain this year, but he got to wrestle pigs instead. There wasn't any pig wrestling when I was there. He said he chased the pig and it was really big, and he grabbed it's back legs and the pig squealed really loud. He thought it was hilarious.

He said that Push Ball was the funnest game, and I told him I agreed. He liked horseback riding, and played a lot of tether ball.

I asked him about walking up Glory Road. (Glory Road is a trail that leads to the top of the Arbuckle Mtns, there are three lighted crosses on top. Service is held there one night, and traditionally boys ask girls to walk up Glory Road with them. It's kind of a big deal.) I asked him if he asked a girl to go up with him. Evidently he only did it because he was triple-dog-dared to, so he had no choice. He said he asked her, and she said 'no' and walked away, and he glad he didn't have to walk with a stupid girl anyway.

I was trying to pull as many details as I could out of him, and he obliged. But, just when I thought he was done, he opened up and gave me the best camp story I've ever heard.

There were 14 little boys in his room, and they had two adult counselors. One night, after lights out, Craig and Steve announced their mission. O.F.H. aka Operation Frog Hunt was about to begin. They snuck down to the creek with buckets and collected as many frogs as they could find. One of the counselors had a master key, so while the rest of the camp slept, my son and his friends deposited frogs in all the other boy cabins. Mayhem ensued, and it was hilarious... until the Deans came.

For punishment the boys, and their two fine counselors, had to 'march 'til dawn.' He said they marched in a line around the campgrounds 24 times, and it was the best time he's had in his life. At around 4 am they stopped marching and went swimming in the creek. This was actually the best time he ever had in his life, he clarified. They had breakfast K.P. duty at 6 am. Jackson said he almost fell asleep while working the slop bucket. I told him that I always did the serving line at K.P., but he told me the slop bucket was way cooler than that.

He said he was still hearing the songs from service in his head. He sang them to me, and did the motions. He loved the speaker, and said that learning more about the Bible was really cool. He read the entire 91st Psalm all by himself, over and over. He said he is trying to memorize it.

My old-school-camper-Mommy-heart was so swollen with gratitude. Going to this camp is a legacy in my family. My Mom even went to that camp when she was little. I know first hand the kind of impact camp can have on a little life. And being able to watch my son experience it might be the sweetest blessing ever.

Jackson was so happy that he willingly kissed me. This alone was worth the price of camp, if nothing else.



When we got home I unzipped his bag to find lots of dirt, soaking wet clothes, and perfectly folded underwear and socks.

Noah will be going to camp when he turns seven too. I must instill better hygiene habits in my sons before then. I have a new mission.

It's My Quirkee Time of the Month

As you may or may not recall, in addition to being a blogger, I'm also a columnist at Quirkee.com.

It's a weekly column called From the Mouths of Babes, and there are three other babes who also write for it. Lotus aka Sarcastic Mom, Kadi Prescott, and dkaye are my esteemed cohorts. I'm super honored to be in such fine company. We take turns (because they make us) and it's my turn again this week.

Please go read my article I'll Show You Nuts, and leave comments that make me want to send you virtual hugs and kisses all night long.

My Kid Left For Camp Today, and All I Got Was a Panic Attack

A) He's too little to get on that big bus without me, period.


B) You might see enthusiasm here, I see all kinds of child labor laws being violated.


C) Look! They've got him under the bus!!


D) See!! He's terrified! (call it dodging the goodbye kiss from Mom if you must, but it's straight trepidation, no matter how you look at it.)


E) Look at these helpless children! They're being led off to frolic on hillsides, slide down 'mud mountain', hike, and play games in creeks. Off to sleep in bunk bed filled cabins. Off to try to win Super Group through horrific rituals like K.P. and B.P. and winning flag football games. They are frightened, my son is begging me not to make him go... look!

Beginning a New Lifetime

A friend of mine was telling me about his grandmother recently, about how she was married to his grandfather for twenty-something years. That grandfather passed away when my friend was seven years old. His grandmother remarried, and now, thirty-something years later, she has been married to his step-grandfather longer than she was married to his biological grandfather.

I said to my friend, without thinking it out first, that it's amazing how we get so many lifetimes in our one lifetime. Ever since I said those words they have been replaying in my mind, like a loop. A 'this is a significant moment of awareness' loop, and I know I have to pay attention to the subliminal messages locked inside that single statement. This is a turning point in my own life, and I know it.

When his grandmother was married the first time, I bet she never once considered that she would be married to someone else one day. I bet she never considered that in her second marriage she would have a longer lifetime that she did in her first.

I'm sure that she was devastated when her husband passed away. It was probably very hard for her to move beyond that grief too. Being a woman and a mother, I can almost feel that sense of loss. After she remarried, I imagine that she still had moments of grieving for the loss of her old life. But, she lived, she survived it. Now, in her latter years, I'm sure there is an incredible sense of gratitude. Gratitude for all the lifetimes she has had, and the magical intertwining of occurrences that define her existence. A full life, lived.

I see now that my own life will hold it's own lifetimes, and it already has. And, it's okay. It's okay to move out of one, and into another. It's okay to feel loss about it, it's okay to grieve a past lifetime. It's okay to not see the meaning, or understand. It's okay to not know why. It's okay to look beyond right now, and it's okay to anticipate a great new life.

I'm not who I once was. I'm not who I will be either. I'm me though, I'm me living my current lifetime. The me that I will be when I'm 85 will be the me that was created over the course of my all lifetimes.

What I have seen as the end is really just the start of a new beginning. Oh how exciting it is to finally see this. To finally realize that there will be another lifetime after this. I don't know what it is, but I'm there. I'm standing at the threshold, and I've been prepared. I'm ready now, and I know it.

The Task at Hand

It's been more than a month since I deep cleaned my apartment, and it's not pretty. I've got a big weekend ahead, and I will have a guest, so I pretty much have to clean like a mad woman today.

I waited until the very last moment to get it done, of course. That's what I do. I procrastinate.

There's always time to clean, right? I can always do it later, you know, after I get my daily dose of hours wasted online and whatnot. I have my priorities in order people.

I have to fold six loads of laundry, because the customary love seat laundry rotation has actually become an eyesore.

I need to mop the bathrooms and kitchen. I have to swiffer my shelves and pictures, and eradicate numerous dust bunnies from the dark corners of my abode. Someone fetch me my allergy pills.

I must wash sheets. I also have to make my sons beds; which incidentally haven't been made since the last time they slept in them... more than a week ago. I should have had my boys clean their own rooms too!

I'm determined to hang up all the clothes that are laying in a pile on my bedroom floor this time. I won't throw them on my closet floor and shut the door, I pinky swear. I have to pinky swear, because my other fingers are crossed.

Let's face it, I'm lazy and hate dealing with clothes. Sure, I love to buy them and wear them. I even enjoy washing them, in fact I look forward to bleaching my whites. I love stain removers. I'm ever so choosy about my soaps, and the dryer always gets three sheets of Bounce. It's the folding, and hanging, and putting away that I struggle with. And by 'struggle with' I mean refuse to do. Yes, I know I'm a 32 year old woman, and yes I know it's pathetic. I even know that my mother is ashamed, yet I still struggle with the latter part of laundry.

Panic and running short on time makes for adequate motivation though, and an even greater sense of accomplishment once it's done. I have that to look forward to, if nothing else.

James River Float Trip in Pictures

Hootontown look out! Becky, Piper, and Jeena

Hot guys in the back of a truck, hot dog! The Fireman, Uli, Brad, and Michael.

Rental Shack


Jeena

Piper, Uli, the Fireman, Brad, Jeena, Carie, Becky, and Michael. The river doesn't know what it's in for.

Brad and Becky

Me and the Fireman

The James is a beautiful river.

Lunch break - Becky, Michael, and Brad

Becky


Uli, Carie, Piper, and the Fireman


The Fireman made for excellent eye candy.

Rare form moments, caught on camera. Not the most flattering shots in the world, but this is what fun times on a river look like... and it's all good.

Me

One of the many times Carie fell down in the water, it was hilarious though, obviously.

Uli and Brad

Me

Uli

Carie

I don't really recall, but I think I was being towed...

... and talking the Fireman into giving me a smoke.


***

After our 11 mile float, we went back to Brad and Carie's house. I passed out took a nice long nap. Then we had a wonderful dinner and worked on recapping the days events. I am kicking myself for not taking any photos with my own camera, thankfully Carie shared hers with me.

I must say that Brad and Carie are the most welcoming and warm hosts ever. They have such a beautiful home, and their sons are too precious. Their friends are terrific people, and I was privileged to be invited into their circle. I hope to visit them again soon, as I'm sure that I have made friends for life.

The only casualty of this float trip was my shorts, and that's not too bad. Perhaps on our next float down the James I'll find them stuck under this tree...

Heat, and More Heat

I got home from my trip to Missouri a few hours ago. It was a fantastic weekend, and there's lots of good stories to tell, but you'll have to wait until I recover from my heat stroke.

I couldn't escape the sun today. The drive didn't go according to plan because the vehicle situation was... um... absolutely miserable.

My truck, aka White Lightning, doesn't have air conditioning. I bought it in Wyoming, and I didn't need A/C there, but here in Oklahoma you can't survive the summer without it. Thankfully, my parents let my drive one of their extra cars in the summer, and it's A/C is fantastically frigid.

On Friday I packed up their 91 Honda, and filled her up with gas. ($60 to fill up an Accord is still unbelievable to me by the way) I hit the road, and got about 45 minutes into my trip when the car started making bad noises... very bad noises. I had to turn around and go back home.

Like hell if I was going to miss my trip though, so the only other option was to take my truck. My truck that doesn't have A/C, and needed a jump because it hadn't been started in months.

I arrived at Carie's house, five hours later, wet with sweat, sunburned on my left side, windblown, dirty, smelling like exhaust, and feeling completely gross. This was not the first impression I wanted to make. She was so sweet and understanding though, she handed me an ice cold Corona. I loved her immediately.

I knew that my drive home was going to suck, and believe me it did. It was hotter today, and there were no clouds. I got a nice sunburn yesterday on the river, and got another sunburn on top of it today, but only on my left side. I'm blistered, and feeling stupid for not thinking about sunscreen.

I felt nauseous when I got home. It's possible that I've never been that hot in my life. I soaked in a cold bath, took a pain pill, and crashed on my right side for a nap the couch.

I'm feeling better now, but don't touch me, because I might have to kill you.

Meet My Hair

Today I had a hair appointment, just a little trim. Evidently, the last time I had my hair trimmed was in September, and I can't believe it. My hair girl laughed at me, and told me she was surprised that I didn't have more split ends. I'm surprised too.

When it comes to my hair, I'm just super low maintenance I guess. Most of the time it's in a ponytail. I don't spend money on it either. Suave shampoo and a big handful of conditioner works just fine. I never use hairspray, and I don't use gel or mousse. This hair of mine is complicated enough without me adding to it.

You see, my hair has dual personalities. Parts of it are straight as a board, but the majority of it is just as curly as it can be. In order to wear it curly though, I have to scrunch and diffuse and then use a curling iron on the parts that didn't curl. To wear it straight, I have to blow it out straight, and then use a flat iron to smooth it out. My hair is also thicker than you can imagine, which means that it takes about 30 minutes to blow dry. So, if I wear it straight, it takes more than an hour to fix. Flat ironing hair is time consuming. My hair doesn't really look good curly either, it's not pretty curls I have, it's more like frizzy fly away curls.

I'm not complaining, just explaining.

I had long hair my whole life, like to-my-waist long. When I was 20 I got tired of it. I chopped it off to my chin, and promptly had a heart attack. See, when curly hair is short, it gets curlier. But, I didn't know that. The stupid stylist should have told me that I would look like Carrot Top, but she didn't. It took forever to grow back long.

I don't have hours to spend on my hair, not since I became a Mom. And that's okay by me. I hated my hair my whole life because it's red, but I'm okay with it now. I've realized that trendy hairdo's are never going to work for me. Long and simple is my hair's happy place.

I took a picture of myself today, because it won't look like this tomorrow. If you ever meet me, chances are you'll meet my ponytail.

What's New

This week is exciting, some new and fun stuff is happening.

First of all, I started a new blog yesterday. I'm doing a Project 365 and I think it's going to be a lot of fun!

Several of my friends are in the middle of their 365's, and I have enjoyed their journey's immensely. It's time for me to jump in the game. I bought a new camera a few months ago, and still haven't mastered all of it's trickery. So, taking a photo a day will help me with that. It will also make me a better photographer... which is something I want really bad. My new blog is called 365 of love and it's going to be a lot different than Blissy. I'm going to keep it super simple, and fill it with random goodness.

I hurt my back last week. I spent the weekend hopped up on pain pills and muscle relaxers, it was not as fun as one might think. I laid on my back on the floor most of the time, because that's the only position the didn't make me scream in agony. Needless to say, it was a little boring. I took some pictures, here's one.

My back is on the mend, and feeling lots better. That's good news, because I've got big plans this weekend. I'm going to meet another blog friend.

Carie (aka OurCrookedTree) and her husband Brad have invited me to spend 4th of July with them in Missouri. We are going to float the James River, and I'm so excited I can't see straight.

Carie is a doll! She has the cutest little boys, and her hubs is a charmer. They have wrangled some of their friends to go with us, and even a single fireman so I won't be a 5th wheel amid all the couples. Isn't that nice?

We are going to have a wonderful weekend, but what I'm looking forward to most is meeting Carie. She is a feisty redhead like me, how could we not have a blast together.

We have sworn each other to photo proofing rights, but stay tuned, I'm sure the pictures that pass our inspections will be highly entertaining.