Little Does He Know

My sons spent last week with their Dad, and his girlfriend. He normally spends about four days a month with them, and a few weeks in the summer. Each of those days is jam-packed with big fun. Constant entertainment, and not much else.

For the last four years, I have raised these boys alone. All parenting, nurturing, discipline, what-have-you, has been up to me. I know my sons better than anyone else does.

I know that Noah has always made an issue out of mealtime, he won't eat unless he 'wants' to... it's an ordeal, and an issue that I have gone round and round with him about. He's a kid, and kids do frustrating things.

Jackson is a big story teller. He's got an Oscar on the way for outstanding achievement in a dramatic role. He tells tall tales, he lies exaggerates with a politicians ease. I deal with it, and don't condone it, but he's a kid. If you don't know this, then heads up - kids lie.

When Dad brought them home last night, I was surprised that he said he needed to talk to me. He normally doesn't even walk them to the door. He had made a list, and needed to go over it with me.

I watched him open his planner and flip to it. He was so proud of himself for having that list. He said that he wrote some things down, some behavior that needs modification, and he made a list for me so I could reinforce what he and his girlfriend had started.

He told me that Noah plays with his food too much. He told me that Jackson makes things up. He told me that he would appreciate it if I would work on this. He said that it's important for me to stay consistent with them, and make rules.

It was all I could do not to laugh.

I just listened as he continued to explain my sons behavior to me. This was all new information to him, I realized. He doesn't know his own kids.

Then he told me they were coughing a lot, he said they were miserable with the coughs all week. He wondered why I didn't get them on higher doses of allergy medicine. He said he would appreciate it if I would stay on top of things like this from now on.

After he left I asked the boys about their week. They had a great time, and they were happy. They were peaceful, and content. But, they were happy to be home too. Noah said the best thing was getting to play with the cats!

I called their Dad, I asked him if he remembered that our sons are severely allergic to cats. He didn't want to talk about it.

In The Middle of 'What If' Road

Nothing is ever really as simple as I would like it to be. When it comes to making decisions about my future, sometimes the deciding factors aren't obvious at all. I don't always know what's what. I see so many different scenarios, so many possibilities, and I'm stuck on pause. I'm paused to keep from making the wrong move. I'm yeilded.

What if I do move to Colorado? Is that the right thing to do? My Mom and family are panicked at the idea of me leaving again.

What if I'm supposed to stay in Oklahoma? What if I am supposed to live here forever? And, if that's what I'm meant to do, then why? I don't like it here, and I don't want to be here.

But, what if Colorado isn't where I am meant to be either? What if I'm supposed to be in Texas, or something? What if I'm really supposed to end up back in Wyoming?

I am looking for an incredible job, but what if I should really go back to school instead?

I want to do the right thing. I want to know what that is. I would like some clear signs to start flashing at me now.

What if there is no clear signal? What if I'm stuck in the middle of 'what if' road for a long time? How am I supposed to know what to do?

I think I'm supposed to just know where to step each day, for now, and that's enough. I think I'm not supposed to see my direction yet, for some reason. I think I'm supposed to keep my peace, hold onto my faith, and keep waiting.

The waiting plays games with my mind.

Sk8, Sweat, and Sweets

Jackson's friend Brady had his 12th birthday party at the skatepark, which was convenient because we are always there anyway. Brady is my best friend Kerali's son. Kerali was at my 12th birthday party! Now I know why old people talk about how fast time flies. It's kinda freaky.


Brady on the left, Jackson, and some other kids.


Sweat mixes nicely with cupcakes and pizza. Wash it down with Monster, and you're all set.

I took a bunch of pictures. But, I'm still getting used to my new camera, and all it's trickery. My shots will be much better someday. Maybe the day after I dig out the users manual, and actually read it.

(and I can blame the lighting, or lack there of, right?)

Just Don't Know What To Do With My Time

Ho hum.

Yawn.

*twirls hair around finger*

Suddenly, I have an entire week to myself. It seems the break I begged for has come.

My boys are gone, I don't have to go to work. All this free time on my hands, what's a girl to do?

Wisdom says that I will look for a new job, what with being downsized out of my old one and all.

Foolery says that I should go somewhere. Foolery says that I should hit the road, and have some fun.

Foolery is much more enticing than wisdom for some reason.

Look Who's Quirkee Now

Yours truly is now a columnist at Quirkee.com. You should go read my first article, they said it's a home run.

What? You aren't already reading Quirkee.com, and don't know what I'm talking about?


"Quirkee.com is dedicated to bringing you the best in humor and entertainment. We are a collective of writers, artists, photographers, and all-around quirky personalities. If nothing else, we hope Quirkee.com brings a little light into your otherwise hopeless and repetitive existence. Quirkee.com is best when read at your place of employment. Please do not serve Quirkee.com while hot. Quirkee.com may stain clothing or your skin. If swallowed, please do not induce vomiting because vomiting is utterly disgusting. Quirkee.com may cause uncontrollable chuckling. And most of all, please share with others.

Quirkee.com is an award-winning humor and entertainment online publication featuring humor columns, commentary about news, sports, and politics, interviews, music recommendations, movie recommendations, comics, and much more. New editions are published every Thursday."



James told me he needed a photo for my bio. I decided to wear green, because green is Quirkee's signature color too. (Also, I have new glasses)

Before I go thanking the academy, I need to thank James and Scott for inviting me to play along. This is a huge honor for me, home run or not, I'm playing outside of my league. These guys are the best! Actually, every contributor on Quirkee.com is so talented it could blow your mind.

I never thought I would become a chosen one, but hot-diggity-dog this has made my life complete.

Quirkee is published every Thursday. This means that my Wednesday nights are going to be running into the wee hours from now on, and I'm totally okay with that. I'll be in good company.

Backing Up, A Precious Moment

(now, with sound)

My Grandmother told me to write things down. She said I would forget things that I thought I would never forget. She was right.

This precious moment was lost in a random file in my computer since I made it last summer, and I found it recently. I treasure it!

What happens to everything in your computer if your computer dies? Hmmmm. Perhaps I should back up, or burn a CD, or something. Can you burn a YouTube onto a CD, I wonder?

On a side note: It just occurred to me that I have no current photos (as in the last two years) of my kids, except on my computer. I need to do something about that too.

I need to start a list.

How darling are these boys? I'm the luckiest Mom in the world.

Warning: Selfish Meltdown

(you probably shouldn't read this, I sound pathetic)

I need a break.

A break from everything being so HARD all the time.

My life has been nothing but hard for so many, many years!! Why does it have to keep being hard?

I need help!

I'm so weary. I don't want to have to make every decision all alone anymore. I don't want everything to be on my shoulders all the time. I can't carry it.

My life is hard. It never stops being hard. I need a break from hard.

I need a chance to be Piper.

I can't maintain optimism all the time, but I have to. I can't stop. I can't rest. I can't get help. No one is going to make my life any easier, and all I want is to enjoy my sons before they are too big and don't want to be around me at all anymore.

What if they resent me when they grow up?

I can't handle my ex husband making me feel like I am incapable of being a Mother to them. I can't be told that I shouldn't have custody of my boys because I 'can't keep a job'! That's not fair!!

I am living the life that bastard handed me, and I have struggled CONSTANTLY to do it. I have never been selfish. I have always tried so hard to do the right thing, for them. I have done a great job raising these precious babies all alone. He has never said anything nice to me. Never.

These boys are the amazing kids they are because of ME!! And it's hard to do it well. I'm tired, and I'm not doing it well.

I'm tired from being tired.

I can't imagine continuing at this pace for another four years.

I need to have some fun, and enjoy life, and not have everything constantly on the brink of falling apart. It's impossible to have fun when you are barely keeping at all together. I'm so used to barely keeping it all together, I don't know what a lighter load would be like. What would it be like to not have to struggle so much?

I'm too young to be so exhausted.

The weight of all this responsibility is too much for me.

I need less stress. I need less to have to worry about. I need a change.

I'm scared. I'm afraid of making anymore wrong moves. How many more learning experiences do I need? Why do I have to be so strong?

God make something happen, please.

I can't keep struggling like this the rest of my life!! When is it going to break??

Piecing Together a Game Plan

How can I possibly thank all of you enough for your encouragement and votes of confidence? The word 'thanks' will never be big enough. But, thank you! You've helped me more than you know.

After much deliberation... well, as much as is possible just two days in... I have devised a plan. This plan will likely be modified, but for now, it's good just to have one. The sense of panic is gone.

I know I made it seem like the only thing holding me in Oklahoma is a lease, but there is a lot more than that. My family, and my friends; the people who love me more than anyone else. These are the people who have always been there for me, no matter what. They do not want me to move away, but I think that they all know I'm not happy living in Oklahoma. I need to spend as much time with my grandpa as I can too. So, it's wisdom for me to not rush out of here out of here in the next month.

I'm going to go to a temp agency this week, and see about doing long-term temp jobs. That way, I can leave whenever. I'm going to send my resume out in Colorado. I'm lucky enough to have friends who have offered to help me with connections there, and I am going to take them up on those generous offers. This way, I will have an income, and still have a chance to find something great in Colorado. I can take my time making it happen, rather than jumping into a rushed move. I'm going to do this right.

Honestly, I had been thinking recently that it would be irresponsible of me to leave such a great job, but now, it's not an issue, and that is a big relief. So, this is just a sign that it's time to start planning my move, and that it's meant to be. When my boys Dad moves, I will probably already be there.

I'm going to find an amazing job in Colorado, and I'm going to make a great life for me and my sons there. I've been wanting this, and praying for this, ever since I had to move back to Oklahoma almost two years ago. It's just an answer to prayer that I lost my job. I've been given permission, and wings. This bird is going to fly west, with no regrets.

Very Unexpected Turn of Events

Several days ago, at our monthly staff meeting, the company I worked for announced that they had sold a large portion of their business, and that there were going to be changes.

On Thursday, at 5pm, I was called into the Presidents office, and told that I was being let go. I was told that the ONLY reason I was being let go was because I was the newest employee, thus, the easiest to let go. There would be others who would lose their jobs as well. They loved having me there, and thought I was doing a great job, they had no complaints about me or my work whatsoever, and they were very sorry to have to do this. I was handed a check, and a box to pack my things.

I was in shock. Complete shock. I didn't see it coming at all.

If you remember, last December, I was let go from my job as an advertising executive for the same reason. Newspapers are a flailing industry, and the papers I worked for had been struggling for a long time. Since I was the newest employee there, I was the easiest to let go.

When I moved to Oklahoma from Wyoming, I knew that it was just a layover. I didn't want to be here, but needed to be for various reasons. I always knew that I would move back to the mountains at some point.

That some point is coming quickly now. My ex husband is going to be moving back to Colorado, and I will need to move there or face the six-month split custody thing. I have no problem with moving to Colorado though, so that works out.

The problem is that I still have six months on my lease, and I'm not sure what to do. Everything inside of me is ready to pack up and hit the road, but that might not be the most responsible thing to do. Plus, I'm not really prepared financially to move to another state right now.

I have to get a job, as soon as possible. What I want to do instead is travel. I want to take my kayaking trip to Alaska now that I don't have to worry about getting time off work. I want to go see my friends, and watch bike races, and float rivers. Unfortunately, I kinda need some income to do that. Also, it's not at all practical. I do feel like escaping though.

I'm vigorously working at staving off self pity, and depression, and trying hard to not feel like a loser. These work issues have not been my fault, but they still don't look good on my resume.

I'm going to have to figure it out, and soon. Should I work at getting a job here in Oklahoma, knowing full well that I will have to leave it soon?

What I know for sure is that God already knows. He has always provided for me, and I know He will again. I need direction. I need to clearly see my path ahead of me right now, I need to know what to do.

I haven't told my family yet, because they worry, and think the same things that the rest of the world would, 'Piper has a hard time keeping a job.' I'm embarrassed, and ashamed.

I don't know what to do right now. I'm going to keep smiling though, because anything else would just make me grumpy. Grumpy is not cute, and doesn't make a happy life.

I'm holding fast to my faith that God still has a great plan for my life, and this event just means that I'm supposed to do something else. What is it though? The not knowing is the hardest thing for me. What I need most is peace.

Kitchen - Uncut, Uncensored, and Cluttered

We do make a mean Mac & Cheese though.

Tuesday Morning

I don't want to be awake.

I don't want to go to work.

My sons just told me they think they should have more fun. I could smack them. If anyone in this house deserves more fun, it's me. They will be at the pool today. I will be sitting on my butt in a cube.

I am running late, and don't really care. I'm blogging. I'm blaring Bob Marley. I'm drinking my hazelnut Coffeemate with a little coffee. I have curlers in my hair. I have to iron my blouse.

I want to write. That's what I want. I want to make sense. Scratch that. I don't want to write.

I want to get on an airplane headed for the mountains. I want fresh air, and my friends. I want to park myself in a tube and float down an endless river.

I would settle for crawling back in bed.

Stuff and Things

I hold on to stuff forever, apparently. I'm moving in six months, and still need to go through boxes of stuff that I haven't unpacked from my last three moves. I need to get rid of stuff I don't need. I have too much stuff.

I'm running into memories right and left though. It's hard for me to not keep memories. The problem is that I am so sentimental, I can attach a feeling or memory to anything. Does anyone else know what it's like to 'feel' about 'things'?


This photo strip was taken when I was 15. I was in a community theater production, cast as a cheerleader (of all things), and this was the photo shoot for the playbill. I kept talking, and couldn't stop giggling though. I wanted to look serious, and at least 18.



Jackson traced this cartoon out of a newspaper, when we lived in Jackson Wyoming. Lift Bot. I still think this is hilarious. I love that he wanted to trace it, because he thought it was funny too.

Memories are attached to every stuff and thing in my possession. Thinning it out is hard.

Jenna of Love

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 'Many women do noble things,but you surpass them all.'
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Proverbs 31: 25-31

Have you ever met someone and known, without question, that this person understands you better than you understand yourself? Have you ever just met someone and suddenly felt completely at home? If I live a thousand lifetimes, I will never be able to thank God enough for sending Jenna into my life.

We met on the Buzz. She chased me down, and befriended my soul. She loved me and embraced every ounce of who I am. I'm certain that she already knows all my secrets, even the ones I would never tell anyone. We are kindred spirits, and the warmth of that feels like home.

I got to meet her over Memorial Day weekend. She invited me to stay with her family while they were vacationing in Phoenix for a family reunion. Jenna is the oldest of nine children. She has four kids of her own, and two step kids with her adorable husband Adam. They welcomed me as if I had been one of them my whole life.

She would probably not like me to be stuffy and refer to her virtues more than the fun we had. But, I can't help it. It is Jenna's virtues that make her exemplary. She is the woman I was raised to be (but have fallen short of). She is the kind of Mother that I want to be. She is gracious and wise, she is kind beyond measure, and she works so hard to do the right thing. She inspires me with nothing more than her example. I'm certain the Lord brought her into my life for this reason, and I'm so grateful.

The thing is, she doesn't see anything in me but beauty. She is such a better person than I am, but she would disagree. She doesn't know that she is wonderful. She doesn't know that her heart is made of pure gold. She doesn't know that she is amazing. But, she is, and anyone who knows her knows that.

She would come to my house and clean it if I asked her to. She would cook for my kids, and even do laundry. She would brush my hair, and sing songs to me if I was feeling unlovely. She would do anything for me, and never think twice about it. She listens to me ramble on an on about nonsense, and validates every word. She enjoys me, and she thinks I am wonderful.

Jenna is the big sister that I never had. I can't even tell you how much that means to me, but it is one of the best gifts I have ever been given. I will love her forever and always.

Her blog is Cranberry Corner, if you haven't met her, you should.

Wasting $29.95 Was Worth It

I'm writing this as a follow up to my last post, ready?

If it weren't for my unflappably buoyant optimism, then I might be really irritated that this eHarmony adventure cost me almost thirty bucks.

The guy, and my brief conversations with him, have confirmed to me why advertising for dates is not my bag. eHarmony, and it's 29 dimensions of compatibility, is just not for me. I'm confident in that now, and I'm happy that this experience confirmed my gut instincts. I'm not ever going to feel compelled to dip in the online dating pool again.

Believe it or not, I'm really a good girl. I'm not interested in playing the field, no matter how long I've been single, or how far away Mr. Right may seem. I would rather remain happy with myself than compromise my dignity for the sake of a date. I would rather wait for what I want most, than settle for what I want now.

The guy called me last night. He said that he wanted to come over to my house after my kids went to bed, so he could see me before he decided about a date on Saturday night. He kept asking me what I do for fun on weeknights. He said he couldn't understand why I don't do anything besides take care of my boys, my home, and sleep. He told me I probably needed to get more of a life. He told me that normally he would go to the bar, but he can't go back because he got kicked out, so he thought he'd come to my house with a six pack.

He told me that he isn't interested in being in a relationship, and said that if we went out then it would be cool because he might like one of my friends, or I might like one of his friends, and that would be an awesome way for both of us to meet new people.

He asked me what I did for work, I told him, and he said 'Wow, you must make a lot more money than me! You should take me out!'

He told me that he's a really honest guy, and that if he showed up at my house and my makeup was screwed up, then he would tell me to fix it, for sure.

Seriously.

Impulsive spending has always been a weakness for me. When I got that three month special email from eHarmony, I bit. I'm chalking this up to another learning experience.

My worth is way more than the cost of eHarmony, even at full price.

I'm actually really happy in my 'boring' life. I think I'll stick with it.

Reluctant Dip Turns Into A Nose Dive

Remember last February, in the middle of my Leaps of Faith, when I said that I was going to take a leap and join eHarmony? Then remember how I decided to join Match.com instead, only they rejected my profile for some mysterious reason? Then after that I just changed my mind all together, remembering that I didn't like the idea of online dating at all. That's actually still true.

However, over the weekend (last weekend) I got an email from eHarmony, offering a three month special. So, being the impulsive chicky that I can be, I decided to sign up.

I waded into this dating pool with very little enthusiasm. Very little enthusiasm is actually being very generous. I still just don't like the idea of advertising for dates. I don't like the idea of dating a guy who is advertising for dates either. I want the guy I like to like me, and ask me out, but that's not happening. I can't keep waiting.

The problem is that I'm busy; I have a career, I have kids, I don't really have much opportunity to meet new people, and I want start dating more often, so here I am. Online dating has become an option for me, as much as I'm still not into it.

I've been on eHarmony for less than a week now, and tonight I got asked on a date. The guy is my age, and only lives about ten miles from me. This is really becoming reality all the sudden.

I really want to stop being so negative about this. But, I also don't want to let my guard down, because I don't want to be foolish. If I let my guard down, then I feel like my vulnerability will lead me to do stupid things.

For instance, I talked to him tonight for the first time, and he called me from the place where he's throwing darts with his friends. There was noise in the background, and even though we only talked for a short time, he wanted to talk about his 'ex'.

I see all kinds of red flags in this. Namely, that he's a grown man who owns his own business, yet doesn't have the common sense to not call me from a bar for the first conversation. In my mind, he will obviously have no concept of what my life is like. I can't remember the last time I went out on a week night (except for the concert last Thursday). I've been busy raising children, alone.

My pessimism in this is overpowering, and I know it. I don't know if this is because my intuition is trying to forewarn me, or if it's because my subconscious is scared to pieces of making bad choices.

I just want to go out and have fun, that's all. I must stop over thinking this. I'm not looking for a husband, I just want to go play pool.

He's planning something for this weekend, and is going to call me tomorrow and finalize the date.

What have I gotten myself into?

At least he is cute, and eHarmony seems to think we are compatible. He had a nice voice, and seems really excited to meet me. Those are good things, right?