I'm in the process of accepting the fact that I am staying in Oklahoma. This is a heartbreak that most people in my life don't appreciate or understand at all. I can't make them, and they don't have to. But, all the same, the sadness I am experiencing is unmatchable, and I just have to accept it.
I haven't been allowing myself to think about it actually. Sometimes when you feel something solo the fact that there's a void of validation is helpful. Helpful only in that no one is bringing it up, so you don't have to think about it unless you want to. And I for sure haven't wanted to.
I moved back to Oklahoma from Jackson Hole, Wyoming almost two years ago. I haven't been happy about it, not even once. Whether it be the Teton's or the Rockies, there is no place on earth that feeds my spirit the way living in the mountains does. I don't know why.
Everyone in my family thinks I have an escapism mentality. They think I want to run away from my life and my responsibilities, and that my desire to be in the mountains is just an excuse to do that. My friends don't really get it either. I don't try to explain it anymore, and for the most part I don't talk about it anywhere but here. Nonetheless though, the enormity of this compulsion never goes away. There isn't one day that passes that I don't think about it. In fact, just writing about it now is causing my eyes to well up. The desire is constant, and I can't make it go away.
Marisa called me on Sunday, she asked me if I had watched Into The Wild (watch the video). I hadn't heard of it, but she told me I needed to watch it ASAP. She told me that she had chills while she watched it, and that she thought of me the whole time. I ordered it OnDemand, and watched it as soon as we hung up.
I have never, ever, ever seen a movie that so paralleled my spirit before. This guy, Alexander Supertramp, had the same thing in him that I have in me. I'm not alone. He might have been escaping, but that wasn't his goal. He was living. He LIVED his life. Regardless of the fact that he died, he lived doing it.
It was validating to watch that movie, but also to see that my best friend finally understood me.
But here I am, in 'keep up with Jones'' land. Here I am, and I don't want any of it. I don't want the half million dollar homes that most of my friends are buying right now. I don't want a fancy corporate job again. I don't care if I drive a beater. I'm here though, and I have to suck it up. These are the best things that life here seems to offer, and they are just things.
Bigger, more, better, more expensive, those are what people are spending their whole lives trying to attain. I don't want that life. But, to make the most out of being here then I will have to. Otherwise I can just stay in this apartment, and feel the fact that no one relates to simplicity the rest of my life. My boys need the best I can give them here.
I want to work for the lodge, and live in a tiny two bedroom employee housing cabin. I want my boys to go to the school that only has 40 other kids, but teaches them to climb and ski. I want to make a meager income and live simply, perched on a mountainside. When I step outside each day the crisp mountain air will kiss my face... and that is enough.
I want to raise my sons there, and I was doing it, I was there... but I had to move back to Oklahoma. (I'm crying right now, can you tell?)
It looks like I'll be staying in Oklahoma for at least a few more years. I'm forcing down the bitter pill. I'm trying to find reasons to be happy about it. I'm trying to embrace all the good that is here. I'm about to apply for city and government jobs for the amazing benefits, and the near impossibility of ever being downsized.
I'm going to conform. I'm becoming an Okie again. I have to let it happen, I have to embrace it or be miserable. I've been miserable long enough. I'm going to find happiness here, somehow.
"For by and by the mist shall lift, and plain it all He'll make. Through all the way, though dark to me, He made not one mistake."
35 comments:
Aww Piper, I get it. I really do. I long for any place but Arizona, yet it appears I am really and truly stuck here for the long haul. I cringe at the thought of sending my son to the public schools here, because they aren't the greatest and I sob for myself at the fact that owning a home to call our own is probably never going to happen. I miss everything green and snow and coolness in general.
It is not my ex that is keeping us here, it is the stability. I can't very well pick up and leave and "hope" that something comes through. The economy is too unstable and in my heart, I don't want to take my son away from his father.
*sigh*
I have begun to accept it though. This is our home, we have to make the best of it. I am trying to see the desert, not for the heat, but for the beauty it can offer. I try to tell myself that an apartment is better than a home because someone else takes care of all maintenance. I tell myself that I've lived here for twelve years, I can stand twelve more. It has been growing on me, but when I start thinking about the other places I've lived that I liked better (Germany, Washington state), I get a yucky feeling in my stomach.
Sorry to basically write a post in your comments. You just hit home.
One: That movie is brilliant.
Two: What's right and what's easy are seldom the same. As long as you do what's right (for you and no one else) you'll be just fine. I KNOW that.
Piper, I love you. I'll have to call you to get the inside scoop on this latest development. I do understand your feelings. My needs aren't exactly the same as yours, though simplicity and country air we share, but I understand the feeling of having to settle someplace you do NOT want to be with nothing to be done about it but accept. I read the book years ago when it first came out because my first husband was exactly like him too, and I loved the movie as well. Your quote at the end gave me goosebumps. I needed that too.
Piper -- Amazing post. Honest and Raw.
We have so much in common...I wish I lived close because I think it would be great to have a RL friend like you! Although I'm an East Coast mountain girl (Blue Ridge), nothing makes me feel at home and brings me peace like mountains do. I'd love to sit on a porch, looking at the mountains and have a beer with you while our boys ran, jumped and explored the outdoors.
Thanks, as always, for sharing yourself here.
~liz
Piper,
I feel your pain. A few things to think of.
"Why?"
"The value of something is measured NOT how bad we want it, but by what we are willing to GIVE UP for it!"
"We are where we want to be"
"Whether you think we you can or whether you think you can't you are right!"
"Manifest Destiny"
I'm rooting for you!
You know I'm a mountain girl too. I TOTALLLY get your need to be in the mountains. They are the place where God meets me, where my soul is refreshed, where I feel most alive. And yet here I sit in the suburbs of a Southern city, preparing to move to a big polluted city in China, because that is where God calls me. Because this is where I am supposed to be right now, and I know it, no matter how badly I want to run to my mountains.
My comfort comes in knowing that He gave me my love of mountains for a reason. When He returns, and we are in the New Creation, the perfected earth, I have no doubt that you and I will have little cabins in our mountains, enjoying the view and basking in His presence. And it will be all the more joyous for the things we gave up to follow Him here.
Peace to you, dear one.
I understand at some level. St Augustine is where my heart is, but due to jobs, we're stuck here inland in the middle of FL (not on the coast). It's ok, it's nice, but it's not St Augustine. And I am TOTALLY with you on the simple life thing!
Piper, I have nothing to say, but that I feel you. I've lived many places in the USA and the place I did not ever want to see again, the place called in some twisted joke the Garden State - this is where I live.
What is keeping you in OK? I know you have examined your situation painstakingly. I can't offer any advice. But, as I struggle to make some decisions myself, one voice grows louder:
"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
You, Ms. Piper, have not reached your destination. You know this. Rather, you have reached your way-station. That stopping place as you proceed along your journey.
I ache when reading how much your current situation bothers you. So many us can relate to what you are missing. Alone is something you should never feel (easier said than done, I know). Keep using these words of yours. This living extension of yourself. Breathe them. A pacifier is hidden someplace here.
All the best to you and those boys.
Something changes inside when you spend that time with the simplicity of life in a tiny cabin working with people in the national parks. I did it twice, and then again in Costa Rica. Stuff is not important. People are important and life is important. You know that and it will never be taken away from you.
You are doing what you need to do right now for you and your boys. Not easy and maybe not what you want, but right nonetheless.
We love you lots and you are not alone!
I'm sorry Piper. I've been there. I pined for "home" for many years. I hope that you your dream is realized one day. Dont give up hope. You're doing the right thing; making up your mind to enjoy the journey. How's your grandpa?
That film moved me incredibly...
I totally DO get it, Piper! Here, in Idaho, I may live in the city but the mountains and white waters are easily minutes away. The very spontaneous lifestyle of "let's go hiking RIGHT NOW!", or waking up to see the skyline of white topped mountains and huge sky sunsets to kiss the day goodnight. I LOVE IT! The 7 years I was in Michigan KILLED my spirit. I felt dead, and like you, surrounded by consumerism of people who always needed bigger and better. It stunted my spirit and stole my breath. I lived with a lump in my chest... And every visit home, broke my heart again and again because I knew I'd have to leave.
BUT, where it once seemed impossible to come back, we made it happen. (not in any way remotely like we would have preferred) but we made it happen...
you can too, when that time is right for you!
Some people just don't get that life is for living...not for exsisting. We all need to do what in our hearts make us happy and as long as our decisions don't hurt anyone, than I say do what feels right. I think it's amazing that you know yourself well enough and are brave enough to do what you think is best for you and your family.
Don't consider it settling. There could be a huge, golden opportunity here staring you in the face. You make your own happiness, Piper -- and I believe you can make it here, for now. Nothing is permanent. You're just filling in the spaces between what the future holds.
You have this amazing ability to turn wherever you are into home. I think you can continue to do this, knowing there may be hope on the horizon. *hug* If I'm ever in Oklahoma, make up the couch for me k?
Sounds like you're a ramblin' gal. I was, too. We left Texas 20 years ago, and I knew I'd be back. Guess what? I've been in the same place out east all that time! Home is where you put your boots, darlin'! BTW, Great Pop'rs Giveaway over on my blog. The more you comment, the better chance you have of winning--Check it out!
wow, i though the horseshit on the cowboy boots and the republican waas all in jest, but you do need a western prince charming, don't you? not a fireman from florida, but a rancher from wyoming....just got back from the skyline, fished snow lke, caught 30 fish, rode horses, but hold on i'm 66 and not for you
Hey Piper I know how you feel. Its funny I love southern california but before i found my girlfriend I wanted out. I was going to move to Seattle for awhile and leave all my friends and family behind because I wanted to go to a place where it rained. A place different, with new experiences. Then I met my lady and am here in California for the near future. I still want to venture somewhere else though (with her) in the next five years.
I feel for you. I really do. 9 years ago I moved to Chicago, because of circumstance, away from an area that I loved. We had no want or desire to move, but not much of a choice. I made friends, real friends, and made the best of it, but was always miserable. We changed neighborhoods a few times as our family grew and needed more space. Finally 4 years ago, after 5 years of misery we moved to our current area. I found my niche. Chicagoland still does not hold my heart, but I have found my home. And I know, that wherever life takes our family in the future, I can dig my own niche and be happy no matter what my geographical location. My heart still yearns for 'home', but home is within my heart and my family and as long as I have them and be me we can thrive anywhere. Don't lose heart, just be you.
You will find the happiness you so deserve! I get it about OK; I have a similar thing with Misery and I feel your pain.
I agree with you about material possessions. SO many spend their lives keeping up with the Jones just to retire to a simple life; just live a simple life from the beginning and enjoy your journey. You are doing what most dream of. Your self confidence allows you to be your true self unlike others!
Chin up, Piper. It could be Ohio
Aw... you're making me cry!
I know this is temporary and you will get to live your life in the mountains one day.
So sorry your spirit is being squashed where you are...
sending hugs to you!
Piper...
I understand. I do. But I'm finding sometimes the Lord wants us to relinquish the "making it happen" part and let Him do the work for us. Maybe He just wants you to be surprised when it happens?
Hang in!
I have been out on maternity leave and then couldn't log on to catch up on blogs. I just spent the last couple of hours catching up from March til now and I'm still SO convinced you should've married my husband!
Hope the kayaking is going well, btw.
And my husband hates living in Arkansas. He wants to move back to Georgia. He's here because of his son, whose mother has custody.
If I weren't married to my husband, I'd introduce you to him. He LOVED Into the Wild, too.
One thing I wanted to comment on: I wish I had someone that understood me and was as wise as your grandpa is for you. No one knows me like that and I can't go to anyone in tears like you did and have them make me feel better.
Anyway, lots of little comments I wanted to make but they won't make sense all jumbled together! :)
I still think you're gorgeous, a fantastic writer (I'm terrible), and have two very cute little boys.
And although I love Emery, I think YOU are way cooler...and MUCH cooler than me. :)
For me it was Seattle - I moved there from the Midwest, I'd never seen the ocean, never skiied a real-live mountain, and never been to Seattle - and yet the minute I drove over Snohomish pass and into the greater Seattle area, I felt I was home. I stayed 5 years and then circumstances moved me back "home". While I am happy here, and have since married and had kids so I know I'm not going anywhere soon, I dream of Seattle and every time I visit, I tear up at my first sight of it. My heart lives there. The rest of me lives here with my family.
While others from my chilly climate dream of winters in Arizona, I know my retirement getaway will be a house on the Puget Sound - in February when it is miserable here and glorious gray, drizzly climate there, with the smell of salt water and mountains close enough to touch. Have to close my eyes a minute and enjoy this memory...
You will get there someday. Whatever "there" happens to be when you are ready. We all hear you, we all get you, we're all rootin for you. Don't think of your situation as settling. Think of it as step one of many.
Piper, I never thought I would be a 36 year old mother of two little boys with a husband battling a life-threatening illness - constantly facing the threat of life without him - life as a single mom. I read you to inspire me to see that single motherhood is achievable. You prove it every day. You may not be where you thought you would be and where you long to be, but you inspire. I hope that comforts you.
I have a bit of a philosophy these days - finding good in each day. We don't know what tomorrow will bring us with respect to Brian's health. We don't know much about next year. We try to enjoy each day - live it fully and enjoy what we can now. Even thought that is a different definition than a year and a half ago. Today is a good day living in Central Illinois. A year and a half ago, we though we would be in Australia right now. No joke. But, we are happy and we are together.
KEEP BELIEVING
I'm feeling for you, chicka. This post is your blog title for sure, "Bloom Where You Are Planted".
I lived in a small town in CO for years and hated every minute of it. My heart called me back to home in the Pacific NW. I got here, but I am stronger coming back with a resolve and a new appreciation for my 'home'. It may be of no consolation but take it a month, a week, a day at a time..pretty soon you'll be in your mountains. :)
Here is to better soil down the road but blooming regardless where you are at. Big hugs!!
I really want to get back to Tennessee... Florida is way too flat. I would go back now, but can't. One kid has to establish residency to keep her scholarship, the other has issues and we don't want to start over with another doctor, and Hubs career has opportunities in only certain places. I do understand how you feel.
Piper, do me a favor?
Read "Women Who Run With the Wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD. If you don't read that one, read one about her love of nature.
You have a wild spirit that cannot be tamed, and that is good. Never, ever be ashamed of that. I understand your desire to go back home....even though it's not what people consider your home. It's home in your heart.
Living in the burbs and doing the corporate thing doesn't take away your wild spirit. Like BD says, it's a step on the journey.
Much love to you.
I totally get it...but you're right...not many people do. I feel closest to my creator and most like my true self when I'm in the mountains. Big cities leave me feeling empty and the suburbs come with such competition. I'm sorry you're stuck in a place that doesn't feel like home. I've been "there" and know it's hard to make peace with the situation. Just stay true to who you are and look forward to days ahead when you can be in your happy place again.
I understand.
so many people want what you want. you're not such an outsider. i know that it can feel that way though. it's like being caught on a one-way street, and you're the only car facing the wrong way -- only the wrong way is your right way. i totally know. my husband and i are going through that right now. but here we sit -- stuck in suburbia, pounding out our lives at a ridiculous pace...and we've got no way to slow it down.
i so cannot wait to see that movie. i've been waiting since it premiered at the indie theater here. i tried to talk my husband into renting it, but we opted for lars and the real girl instead. i grew up watching my mom go through withdrawal from the mountains...it's a tough thing.
just remember that now is not forever, and forever is a long time. you'll make it back. you will because you want to.
Well, like it says in your sidebar over there, "Bloom where you're planted," and I can see you doing so, but I do feel sad for you, Piper. I've been there on some level and learned a life lesson about appreciating the place you are in, wherever it is. That doesn't make it easy to swallow, though. I went back in your blog to see where this change of plans occurred, but I missed it--can you steer me to it?
Hey I feel you girl. I live in Colorado and my mom's side of the family is from Oklahoma. Despite the tourist-based hellish economy around here, I totally get what you mean about the mountains feeding your spirit. Humdity and ticks do not feed your spirit, they eat away at it. Thankfully, you are a strong single mama who won't be broken, and who is doing the right thing. I'll send Rocky Mountain vibes your way!
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