How It's Going

I appreciate that people are concerned about me. Everyone wants to know how I'm doing. Everyone is asking if I've found a job yet. People want to know where I've applied, and what my plans are, and what I'm going to do next. People want to know how I'm going to buy groceries, and how my rent is going to get paid.

I know that people ask because they care. But, I don't have the energy to keep answering the same questions over and over. It's been six weeks now, and honestly, finding the energy to keep going forward with a positive attitude is taking all my strength.

I hate being pitied. I hate my situation. I hate how pathetic I feel. I hate being needy, and I hate needing charity. I feel embarrassed, and ashamed, and scared.

I don't have the desire to write, or blog, or socialize right now. I don't have anything interesting or light hearted to talk about. I don't want to be a bummer. My life is kind of a bummer right now, and I don't want to think about it, much less talk about it.

These are the most common questions I'm asked, along with their honest answers, so you won't have to wonder, or ask.

Do you have anyone who can help you financially? No, I do not.

How many jobs have you applied for? I lost count.

How are you going to pay your bills? By the grace of God.

How are you going to pay August rent? My church graciously paid it for me (thank you God!)

Do you have a savings account, do you have any money? Not anymore.

How are you buying groceries? I swallowed my pride and applied for food stamps. Food stamps won't buy toilet paper, or school supplies though.

What kind of work are you looking for? Anything at this point. Though I would still like to do something that I can enjoy and take pride in. Something that I won't hate doing everyday.

The cold hard truth is that I don't have an impressive resume, because I was downsized out of my last two jobs. I was only at my last job for four months. I didn't work during the six years I was married, and do not have a bachelors degree. In the four years that I've been a single Mom, I've had six jobs. I was fired from two of the first three due to attendance issues. Companies don't care that I have two little boys who require me when they are sick. Noah had RSV once, and double ear infections three times in the same year. Jackson has had ear infections, and the flu. I do not regret taking care of my babies when they need me, but when they need me within the first six months on a new job, H.R. people don't care.

I have landed good jobs, jobs that make me realize I'm smart and talented. But, I haven't been able to keep them, and it's wreaking havoc on my self confidence.

This is kind of off topic, but I envy people who have spouses who love them, and help them. I envy people who have parents who help them. I envy people who just know that they are loved unconditionally. People who have those things don't seem to recognize it, I guess it's because they don't know what it's like not to have it, and that makes me angry.

Even in spite of all this, my life is still good. I'm blessed. I'm happy, even though it's not the sublime and enchanting kind of happy right now. I know that everything is going to be okay. I don't know how, but I know it will be.

I hope you will take the time to be grateful for what you have. It could always be worse.

I know that you are going to leave wonderful and encouraging comments, and I'm already thankful for them. Embarrassed, but thankful.

If I suddenly go silent, it's because my Internet has been shut off. Don't worry though, I'll be back as soon as I can.